Okay you guys. Its not as though i am breaking up with you. I just think i need to see other diaries for a little while, you know, explore the world a little bit. But, i don't want to cut us off, besides, i really think this will be good for our communication. Go ahead and come see me at http://www.livejournal.com/users/sirenchica/

see ya.

Yay! my best friend is still my best friend. I feel so much better. I guess i was pretty twisted up over this.

Well, like two days, and still no response.

So, i hung out with my friend Kannis the other day. Ended up going to a BBQ at his house. So much fun. Then later around 1130 or so, we left for seattle. Kannis took me to the sweetest underground party i have ever been to. This old guy, that is like, at every rave i go to was there. i love him, he is my hero. I should have been doing homework, but i don't care. I have been super stressed lately, and i needed this. I am all confused now too. So, i only get one day a week with Ryan, but when i invited him to come over to kannis', he didn't seem that interested, and then he came over later, and it seemed like he had a good time, he met some people he knew from highschool...but it seemed a little off, and he didn't wanna go to the party.

Okay, so i am having this really stupid argument with my best friend. It's all over a miscommunication, a slip of the toungue, and/or a lack of communication.

Todd:

I don't know if you even read my journal anymore, but i really want to talk to you. This is so depressing. I think we both managed to say things that upset eachother, but flaming eachother over the internet probably won't get anything accomplished. Please please please call me. I would rather tell you to your face how i feel and why, rather than trying to explain it like this. please?

Guess what kids! I am graduating in December!!! I am so excited. I graduate before i am 21. So now i am going to apply to grad school. I chilled in my CMIC prof's office today, and we just bullshitted, but he totally is interested in what i want to do for grad school, and is even hooking me up with professors who are doing research in things i am interested in (internet studies and culture). I am so excited!!!!

Alrighty, here i go, i haven't updated in forever, so busy! you all are getting the soundbite version of my life, and hopefully i will keep up with posts

-me and Ryan are official now, but i am a little worried because i am so busy with school and work that i only see him on the weekends. He works until like midnight or later, so can't see him on school nights.

-I have had to sadly give up raves for the next ten weeks, this sux. They are my major stress reliever, but i am taking 18 credits

-Spring break sucked, i had sinucitis

- Todd won't hang out with me anymore, i think he hates me.

- I have to appyly for graduation and graduate school soon. I have an advising appt today. Holy cow, im gonna be 21 and done with my undergraduate studies.

- My friend Kannis May apply at Claim Jumper.

- One of my friends who shall remain nameless thinks i am being dramatic (given, she was on drugs at the time she tells me this) but seriously, how the fuck would you feel if your best friend stops calling you and hanging out with you and you don't know why, and simply have to hope its because he's too busy.

- Uhm, that's it.

Love you all, peace.

so, guess who is a Freshman Interest Group leader at UW? Me! Yay. I am so excited!

I had a really good day. I wish i coulda talked to Ryan, but that's okay. I'll probably get to see him tomorrow. :) Its weird because i get all happy when i think about him, and being hugged by him. I haven't felt that way in awhile. I mean, i have had crushes, but none of them ever made me, well, just happy.

i love it when life throws me shit. bring it on! Everything crappy that has happened to me in the last, oh, three months, has turned out to be for the better. Yea, i had to sift through a lot of shit, but when i finally got honest with myself, i found something really great. I have had the best day ever.

So...

Life gets more confusing every single day. you think you know something, somebody will correct you. You think you can trust someone, and you find you were wrong. And then, you realize, damn. If i just would follow my intuition and go with it...things might start getting normal. But i am too shy...and too uncertain with myself. Something to work on?

Hidgh School ends for a reason folks, i am sick of all this mf drama. Its stupid, people, just stop blowing things out of proportion. JC.

I am okay, he is okay, Chrissy, no one's mad at you...Sid...

why am i always the last to know? Contrary to how the saying goes, what you don't know, yea, it can hurt you. Thanks you guys.

Hmmm....

So, my favorite manager at Claim Jumper is leaving. Damnit. He's so fun! Jeff came up to me and was all "Mary, our relationship has to end...im leaving" I was all, "You're leaving me? My heart is breaking" jeff said "Its not you, its me." I started cracking up. "Its for the better, you are married after all." "Well, if i lived closer i would come and see you, but then i would have to explain to my wife that i was going to see my girlfriend." so funny. "I know i will have fun in tukwilla, but it won't be the same, there will be a hole in my heart, a Mary hole."

It was so funny. My friends Kannis and Jay came into cj today. I told jeff they were sitting at 9-5. He's all "you have other friends? besides me?" I told him, "yup, they're about your age or older too." He started laughing.

yea, if we get a new manager, they had better be fun. a lot of our managers are kinda, well, not a whole lotta fun to work with.

PS Todd, Lindsay thinks me and you should date. Or so she told me today.

Well, i have to give a presentation in ethics tomorrow, wish me luck pples.

you know who you are...

if you don't...well, imagine...babe, this is how i feel...

You and me we had a opportunity

And we could make it something really cool

But you, you think im not the kind of girl

I�m hear to tell ya baby I know how to rock your world

Don�t think that I am not that strong

I�m the one to take you on

Don�t under estimate me

Boy ill make you sorry you were born

You don�t know me the way you really should

You�re sure misunderstood

Don�t call me baby

You got to know that that will never do

You know I don�t belong to you

Its time you knew im not your baby

I belong to me

So don�t call me baby

Behind my smile is my IQ

I must admit this does not sit with the likes of you

You�re really sweet mmm you�re really nice

But didn�t mama ever tell ya not to play with fire

Don�t think that I am not that strong

I�m the one to take you on

Don�t under estimate me

Boy ill make you sorry you were born

You don�t know me the way you really should

You�re sure misunderstoodDon�t call me baby

You got to know that that will never do

You know I don�t belong to you

It�s time you knew im not your baby

I belong to me

So don�t call me baby

You and me we had a opportunity

And we could make it something really cool

But you, you think im not the kind of girl

I�m hear to tell ya baby I know how to rock your world

Don�t think that I am that strong

I�m the one to take you on

Don�t under estimate me

Boy ill make you sorry you were born

You don�t know me the way you really should

You�re sure misunderstood

Don�t call me baby

You got to know that that will never do

You know I don�t belong to you

It�s time you knew im not your baby

I belong to me

So don�t call me baby

You got to know that that will never do

You know I don�t belong to you

It�s time you knew im not your baby

I belong to me

So don�t call me baby

wine and shakespeare...nothing better.

Mood Relaxed after a long few weeks of confusion.

So...being nice to people i don't like seems to take more out of me than i thought it would. Worked with Jie all day on saturday, than stayed a few hours extra to help out. I was so stressed out after...damnit. So i went to the freeze after work.

Turned out to be a pretty fun party. It was all the way out in Auburn...Green River Community College. Weirdest place for a rave, like ever? Someone pulled the fire alarm. I felt so bad for the fire department. Then i stopped by Kannis' house on the way home, we're gonna hang out on tuesday since i don't work, so that i kinda cool.

Work sucked today too. I had no seater, and had to work with Harold (he closed on cash). I was so freaking out...Oh my god. Like the worst night ever. The only reason we were on a wait was because i didn't have anyone to seat. I was supposed to hang out with my friends tonight, but i only stayed for an hour. I was like, i only want to be up late if i am drinking, and since that isn't gonna happen, i am going to go home and do homework. yay.

Ya know tho, once the shit hits the fan, life can only get simpler. And so far it has. I pretty much know who my friends are, and what i want to focus on right now. The only really weird thing is about J.B. But that's okay too.

Alright....

I was supposed to meet Jie tonight and talk to her...but she cancelled, fuck that shit. I don't need to talk to her. She's just an easy little pop tart. Don't care

Talked to carter on wednesday. We're cool. He's been super sweet to me lately too. Gee golly, i wonder why. But, ya know. I am not mad at him at all. I don't know why. Actually, yea i do. I once told someone else i love, "I am not going to hate you, or be mad at you for loving someone else. I won't go psycho bitch on you..." Carter loves his ex girlie, and jie was just a fling. Im actually okay with that, having had a few of those myself...

Here's something interesting. I walked into work on Monday, and Lindsay, asking me how my party was on sat., caused me to burst into tears... The server tim was back there at the time. He told me two things that cracked me up. 1) So... does that mean Jie is easy? I could totally get with her.. and 2) you know how to get back at carter? Fuck his best friend.

I laughed, but my response wasn't "No Way" it was, "shit, i don't have Chip's Number..." is there something wrong with me? whatever...

Okay, so, Apparently ( I found this out on my birthday) my friend Josh Beam has a crush on me. I am not sure how I feel about that... He is a really sweet guy, and i have no idea why he likes me. At all. But, i don't know. He is genuinely worried about my well being, wants me to be happy (trust me, oh, uhm, yea...Chrissy, i think i haven't told you all), but at the same time, i don't feel like he knows me. I mean, he is 28, and every older guy i have ever known...well yea(...you both know who you are...) seems to see me as a little girl or a really close friend... So i don't know.

So, right now...I am happy i am done with two midterms, pissed because of Jie, sober because Tim drank all my hard liquor....Fucking a. Valentines day is in about a week. I hate it all.

PS i've decided that i am gonna be brutally honest in my live journal b/c only the pplei love read it any way. So from now on, i am 100% truthful....here we go...

PSS Andrew, if you ever call me again, i am going to tell you to fuck off b/c you are an asshole. and yea, that is it. Who doesn't have baggage. Well now i have a lot more..

So, i am learning,slowly learning. When you hit a brick wall, you can't beat it until you fall down exhausted, you just pick a new direction. If you hit another wall, once again, turn around, eventually you will find your course.

So, not a lot has happened since the last time i posted, except, yea i had the worst birthday ever. So, i had my little party, excited because carter was going to be there, telling all of my friends, "Yay, you get to meet carter, i totally have the hugest crush on him" So later that night...we've all been drinking. Carter tells chrissy that he knows i have a crush on him, and that it is totally obvious. But he loves me as a friend and a great person, and is still completely in love with ashley, his ex in Texas (what is it about the loves from texas? i swear to god) So chrissy tells me. Okay, i can deal with that, i would rather be close friends with carter than nothing at all. So about 20 minutes later, my "friend" Jie, from the host desk at Claim Jumper and Carter go upstairs and start going at it. Sweet. Jie is completely sober too, and knows how i feel. Sid (one of my best friends) totally kicks both of them out of the house. Josh B. later told me Carter was feeding everybody shit "i didn't know," and "don't Judge" bull fucking shit. He told chrissy he knew. Now i have to face both of them at work. Jie doesn't fucking care (but everybody i have talked to at CJ hates her. I showed up to work and pple freaked out because i looked sad. "Mary, what's wrong?" and of course i burst out in tears.)

Shit. At least i am learning who my real friends are. Frat boys are just that, little boys who want to get laid. Chrissy, i love you, i wish you hadn't left w/o saying good bye, especially when i needed you the most. Thanks Joshie, for staying with me until i fell asleep. Sid, for being the bitch that i can't. Robbie, for calling at the exact right moment (im serious, you called right when i walked upstairs and saw them), Todd, i wish you had come over, please call me i need to talk to you.

So good. Think about it. Making about 19 years worth of mistakes in the last five months. Can't get better than that. but i am growing pretty fast none the less. Here we go. I can't wait to see where this one brings me. Gonna talk to jie this week. Carter won't call me back.....shit. Im gonna go drink some more, L8

Have i ever mentioned that my life gets more fucked up with each passing day? It just doesn't make sense. *sigh* I think i need to learn not be so shy about what i tell people. I should just look them in the eye and tell them what i am thinking. Whether it be "get away from me, you're a dick. And stop fucking calling me." or "I love you." or "This is what i think of you...[insert comment or opinion here]" But no damnit it. I have to be all concerned with other peoples feelings and shit.

just got home. had the best time ever.

Hell ya. Infected mushroom tonight in seattle. Only 19 hours to go. Who is gonna be there? ME! Can't wait. I guess i had better go to sleep now, so that i will be wide awake for tomorrow. i can't wait. can't wait!

Here's my little thought for the night: I am fucking sick of being used. That should be like the introduction question when i meet guys - especially when i am at parties..."So...Before i actually get drunk with you, and possibly make out with you, i just want to know, are you actually going to call me? Am i just a cute piece of ass for you tonight? Not that it'll change anything, i just don't like waiting by the phone, so i just wanna know ahead of time" Maybe, instead of being the one who is always being fucked over, used, the one guys call when they are drunk, or thinking of someone else, i should just be a user. I think i could pull it off. What do y'all think?

Oh, by the way Robert, i don't know about the rest of what "should have been" your new year's resolution, but at least you got about half of it down.

y'know. it's kinda funny how making mistakes can make you realize what it is that you really want. I've been making a lot of mistakes lately. Actually, pretty much since summer 2003. so i guess that means i am getting a pretty good idea of certain things. Except, i am not sure how to go about it.

**sigh**

Kinda sad when you learn how oblivious you were.

When you are feeling down, the cure is a beer and a good movie that requires no thought. Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. Hell ya.

So, the season of love and resolutions has thus begun.

My friends are meeting people left and right. My brother found himself a girlfriend. Todd makes an interesting new years resolution (yes, this means i do have to get used to sharing....)And then, there is me. Oh, its not that guys don't like me, or think i am cute. But that's just it. To every guy i have ever met i am one of the following:

a)A close friend, always and forever

b)The girl next-door, whom you can pour your heart out to

c)a little sister figure whom they have to look out for

d) a drunken fling...

well guess what, i am sick of it.

Something Corporate

I kissed a drunk [guy]

I kissed a drunk [guy], yes I did

I kissed a drunk [guy] on the lips

I let my guard down

how could I have been so dumb

[his] eyes were open

I know I am not the one

I know I am not the one

I know I am not the one

I kissed a drunk [guy]

Why do I do these things I do to myself

I kissed a drunk [guy]

I'm sure I could've been anybody else

I went to [his] house

everybody there was gone

[his] little cousin just passed out on the lawn

[he] walked to my car and

mouthed is everything okay

leaned in slowly so now I

can say

I kissed a drunk [guy]

Why do I do these things I do to myself

I kissed a drunk [guy]

I'm sure I could've been anybody else

anybody else

I pulled away

cuz you see I didn't think it would be

right I said let's save this

for another night

[he] said "No, no, no I know

That everything is gonna be just fine"

How could I do this when I want [him] to be all mine.

I kissed a drunk [guy]

Why do I do these things I do to myself

I kissed a drunk [guy]

I'm sure I could've been anybody else

anybody else

I know you don't care about me

I'm sure when all is said and done

and I go home feeling lonely

You will have had your fun

do you even remember?

I kissed a drunk [guy]

Why do I do these things I do to myself

I kissed a drunk [guy]

and now I'm sure

and now I'm sure

I could've been anybody else

anybody else

anybody else

I could have been

anybody else

whatever

fuck it all to hell.

So, i am watching trainspotting, and realized i am completely in love with Ewan McGregor (j/k). He's a little fucking hottie, and my new celebrity crush.

Snowed in.

Spending the entire day with my mom. Trying to keep sane and not kill myself.

Solution #1 VH1 - One Hit Wonderland

Solution #2 Private Rave for one with personal mixes

Solution #3 Smoking at the edge of my driveway watching the cars go by, resisting the desire to throw snowballs as they pass

Solution #4 Cleaning my room

Solution #5 Curled up with a good book

Mood Thoughts spinning through my mind. Hoping i haven't hurt or confused someone that is going through a really tough time to begin with. Thinking about life. Thinking about everything. And how much being snowed in sux because i miss my friends - especially chrissy, jacob, todd and robert.

Music Tribal Seduction

Its still snowing outside. Still wide awake. damn.

If my mom is Satan, does that make me sin?

Have you ever just been happy. Just at peace with your life? I think i am there, at least at the current moment. Sure, parts of my life are fucked up, but whose life is perfect? Any problem i have is so stupid in the large scheme of things. Things suck at home, so what, eventually i'll move out, in the meantime, i go out and have fun. My heart was broken, so what. It happens, it'll heal. Money issues, so what. All i need is enough cash to buy smokes and pay for my phone. Mom and dad take all my extra money, so what. See issue number one. I have my close friends and my older brother. That is all that i need.

DJ, Dj, Pump this Party

oh hell yea. i 4.0'd this quarter. again. i'd expect nothing less. actually that is a lie. i expected a lot less because too much happened the week before finals and i had too much on my mind. But, it doesn't matter now. I owned fall quarter.

Went to Robot Love II tonight. Dumb name. Good rave. I kinda liked the venue. It was outside at the Arts Brewery (That is Tully's or the Old Rainer Brewery). So fun. There is just something about that music and having fun with a bunch of people i don't know, but this time i could see the stars. Smoking a cigarette, staring at the sky and listening to good beats, and dancing sometimes between. So fun.

I saw like two people i know. One, is this chick who comes into starbucks. I was like, Hey, what's up? She goes, do i know you? I'm like: Yea, starbucks - solo espresso. She asked what i was doing there, im all "this is what i do". We talked for a bit then she left cuz she got cold. I think i freaked her out. The other person i knew went to cedarcrest. Logan. That was weird.

I left pretty early. Like at 1:30. I stayed to see DJ Whistler, cuz i like him, Kid Beeker and Effendi were pretty good too.

Note, one of many reason's i enjoy being a girl. Some random guy bought me a bottle of water tonight...

The Doctor said to me, we have a remedy. They gave me pills for my pills. When i complained they said chill. My prescriptions they were filled, for dollar bills. Rid the world of Defect. Instead of asking me, how, when and why, it all began, they acted as if they knew me, like my best friends. They gave me pills for my pills. when i complained they said chill, my prescriptions they were filled, for dollar bills. rid the world of defect. Its unbelievable, its inconceivable, Its incomprehensible. The drug industry, has fooled me into believing i am defected, and only they can correct it..."

i am free. its my turn.

i got a box, and i put you in it.

i'm done. just plain done.

Done with hoping, because it's never gonna happen. Done with trying to be friends, cuz it just isn't gonna work. Done with trying, done with caring. just plain done. I'm done.

nothing so wonderful as being home

no parents, just home alone

full pack of smokes

a good movie

no worries

no drama

no violence

that's how life should be.

My mom just threw me down the fucking stairs because i told her i had to spend tomorrow studying. I hate her. I don't know what i am going to do. SHe has yelled at me, and swears at me all the time. But if i hadn't seen her come at me in time, i would have rolled down the fucking stairs and hit my head on the floor. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I never want to come home again, ever. ever. ever. oh my god. she threw me down the stairs....

I know this much. I am not coming home tomorrow. or the day after. eventually i will have to come home. but i don't want to be here. i don't want to be here. i don't want to be here. i don't want to be here.

okay. this is so great. there is nothing better than drinking with your mother's CHURCH group.

SO...

I've had a lot of firsts lately, so i figured, why stop now?

So last night i went with carter to a party with his friends on Mercer Island (okay, so that's actually the second time i've gotten drunk with carter on mercer island, but the first time i've ever gotten drunk with a bunch of rich white kids who do a lot of drugs....) It was a good time. But one first was getting to play drunken guitar with a whole bunch of people who were also drunk and playing guitar. The second first was just playing a slew of drinking games. Later, when carter passed out on the couch, me and chip were still up watching ocean's 11, and I smoked weed for the first time..... Chip was all, "Im glad i could be there for your first time..."

"Life may not be the party we had hoped for, but while we are here, we should dance..."

SO... i was driving to the bus stop today, it was all rainy and shit. Like my mood. How easy would it be, just to swerve into traffic? Its too bad that someone else would get hurt, so i guess i'd better find a different way.

Mood I don't know. You guess

Music "The Astronaut" - Something Corporate

and i've been climbing ladders through time, i've got tunnel vision,but i'm doing fine, and i've beenwatching stars coming off of the wall, and maybe if i'm lucky i can catch them,before you fall,and you are not alone.

calling out to the astronaut, i need some of what you've got, i need to be high.crawling out of the world she brought, calling out to the astronaut,

i need to be high"

"Going 'bout my business, doing just fine, besides, what would i say if i had you on the line? Same old story, not much to say...Hearts are broken every day....Dreams last, for so long, and even after you're gone. I know, that you love me, and soon, you will see. You were meant for me, and I was meant for you..."

I was thinking about doing that song for CJ karoake contest... whaddya y'all think? Its either that or can't fight the moonlight. :/

Okay i am done being dumb.

Shit.

i have this great way of confusing myself...its kinda fun.

Music "I want to save you" Something Corporate

a first for everything, and everything happens for a reason??

you are not my favorite person in the world if you wake me up from a dead sleep to ask for

a) money

b) a ride somewhere

goddamnit

Riiiiight....

so, they say there is a first for everything. Tonight was my first rave...alone. My friends mostly say not to go alone, but here i am, alive and well, and had a good time. Here's a little funny. The "guard" out front was checking for weapons. Looked me up and down "i need to see your waistline please" so i lifted up my shirt. He got a huge smile, "looking good hon." weird. weird weird weird. and creepy too.

Another first. I got invited to an after party by some random guy. He's all. "Are you going to divalicious? I am spinning there...I can get you in on the guest list..." "wanna come to an after party with me? Please? You are so beautiful" lol. That was a first i had to turn down. e-guys are too easy. (j/k) whatever.

okay, i am going to bed now...only because i know that i should. I am way to awake.. but i suppose i should sleep sometimes.

Music Damn Trance - Jon the Dentist

only three more lectures until finals! Then i can sleep more. Then i can go out more and try to get over this whole depression phase type thing that i am going through. oh yea.

Fuckers. I hate the world.

stupid! stupid stupid stupid.

I sense there's something in the wind

That feels like tragedy's at hand

And though I'd like to stand by him

Can't shake this feeling that I have

The worst is just around the bend

And does he notice my feelings for him?

And will he see how much he means to me?

I think it's not to be

What will become of my dear friend?

Where will his actions lead us then?

Although I'd like to join the crowd

In their enthusiastic cloud

Try as I may, it doesn't last

And will we ever end up together?

no, I think not, it's never to become

For I am not the one

Sooo tired. But at least nearly caught up with the homework. Damn, i hate my sociology book. So useless.

"Days swiftly come and go.

I'm dreaming of [him]

[he's] seeing other [girls]

Emotions they stir

The sun is gone.

The nights are long

And I am left while the tears fall.

Did you think that I would cry,

on the phone?

Do you know what it feels like,

being alone?

I'll find someone new

Swing, Swing, Swing from the tangles of

My heart is crushed by a former love

Can you help me find a way

To carry on again.

Wish cast into the sky

I'm moving on

Sweet beginnings do arise

She knows I was wrong

The notes are old,

They bend, they fold

and so do I to a new love.

Bury me

(you thought your problems were gone)

Carry me

(away. away, away...)"

so, i am watching nightmare before christmas, happen to decided to check various people's online diaries, and Robert has a quiz on his, "Which Tim Burton's Move Character Are You?" So that was kinda weird (for several reasons)

But, apparently I'm sally. Don't know what that means, but cool.

Sally

Which Tim Burton's movie charcter are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Right...

So, i am really fucking frustrated and a little hurt right now. And then i have to ask myself WHY do i even care...i mean seriously. Work resolved itself, school is good, i have made a lot of really cool friends in the last month or so...and yet this one issue just gets me so down, so depressed. So in answer to my question. WHY do i even care. Just because i do care. and that sux.

CoNfUsEd (this entry was deleted)

so, it just occurred to me that i am messed up and i need some help.

so, yea.

I got my classes for next quarter. I think it will be fun. I only go two days a week and am taking good classes.

any who.

damn it.

Uh, yea. Sometimes i wonder what goes on in my head...Why is my life so weird. Hello, raise your hand if you have ISSUES *Raises Hand*

So anyway...Hung out with Chrissy and Jacob tonight...Back together? Maybe. All i know is that i love them both and want them to be happy.

Met one of Jacob's friends from school. Cool guy. Hopefully we all will hang out again soon.

I heard a rumor that Good Charlotte is coming to town. I should research that a little more.

My parents have turned my room into a storage center. Reason #666 why i should move out.

Nan desu ka? tomodachi to dai suki to dochira ga suki desu ka?

uh, yea, any way.

what else what else what else? Finally got drunk with todd. that was fun. Yes, todd, i was feeling it, and you didn't even take advangtage of my drunken truthfullness and ask me questions about my deepest darkest secrets...oh well, next time, eh?

uh, i work at starbucks tonight. Do i have the guts to quit. Brian, my CJ GM offered to quit for me. That would be cool. Either that, or, todd, come hold my hand...

alrighty, i feel that i am rambling on and on and on right now. probably because i am tired, confused, stressed, have a shitload on my mind that i don't know what to make of, am a little anxious for several reasons (both involving tonight, and oh about a few say,weeks from now....) God, i think i need to go out and do something after work tomorrow. To all my friends who read this, be prepared for a phone call tomorrow...(today?) wtf i am going to go research the good charlotte concert and try to plan my classes for next quarter now. good night.

Mood Uh, yea, you just read my freakin entry, you guess...

Music Nothing except the click of my typing, the hum of my computer and the voices, oh god the voices in my head.

Right, and my life just keeps getting weirder and weirder....

So, that Dj i was talking about. I went over to his house on wednesday and then on saturday. The whole time i am only in the know with his DJ name (Kannis). I keep getting this weird feeling that i knew him from somewhere though. Afterall, he would have gone to cedarcrest with my brother...

Well, on into the night, as i am leaving with kannis to go on a beer run, and Evan (one of the guys spinning that night) asked me how i knew nate. I was like, Nate, huh? That sounds oddly familiar...whatever. then we left. So i remember this, right. About two hours later, "Nate" was getting ready to make a tequila shots run with two of his friends, who ask, "Ready to roll, Soleberg?" I was like, WHAT THE FUCK!!! because it totally hit me. I go, Nate Soleberg? Youre fucking kidding me??? Nate is all like, no, no, "Kannis, Kannis earthpaw" I told him, no dude, pflugrath ring a bell? Here's the deal y'all. Nate used to come over all the time to my house when i was younger because we were in the same dungeons and dragons campaign in which Glendon Pflugrath and my brother would switch off as dungeon masters.

So nate freaks out, naturally "How do you know that name???" He totally herds me into his room so no one else could hear. THen asks me how i knew glendo. I was all, you used to play d and d and he was the dm. Does the name Mikael Strand ring a bell? He goes "Fuck Yea" Then i told him, uh, yea, i am his little sister. That was so awesome. He was all, no way!! i used to go to your house all the fucking time....

So, in a nutshell. my life is fucked up

oh, yea. So, i guess claim jumper bought me. i was pretty happy with my decision to stay, but my mom is all mad at me. i am like, "thank you for your support. ya know, this is why i come home all the time, because you are negative and it is great..."

and that is the story of my life..

Everything was so fucking simple yesterday morning. I all had my two weeks notice typed up. Talked to becky about me leaving claim jumper. Walk in to work, tell suzie i am quitting and give her my notice. Right...the general manager freaked out.

He comes up to the host desk all, "why are you leaving? Don't you love us? Oh, adn if you think i am laying on the guilt, i haven't even begun." So i told him i was going to take a position on the management team at starbucks (the joke is that i am a starbucks nazi) so he is all "What, are you the Del Fuher of starbucks now?" I go, "no, i am just an ss man.." then he got all serious. "What are you making now?" I told him, i make 8bux at cj and will be making 9 plus full benies at sbux. he goes. "I will give you 10 dollars and hour, and you want benefits? THey come after six months. YOu are next to be a food server and then you will be making more than an assisstant manager at starbucks ever would. You are valuable, and i will take care of you. If you want to go into management, i can do that too."

I don't know what to do now. life sux. ahhh. I am going to sit down to brian and find out when i would start making 10 dollars, how to get benefits, and when i would be a server. If benefits are equal or better, and i get that raise soon, and i can be guarenteed hours, then it is buh-bye starbucks. but i need some assurance...

what should i do?

Wahoo, Midterms are over over. I am puttin my two weeks into claim jumper tomorrow. I will be a shift at starbucks because i am sick of CJ fucking me. Financial aid will be in in the next month. I get to register for classes soon. I met an awesome DJ the other night, who happens to live in carnation, and i got to go over to his house and got a "rave for one" and am going to a party there on saturday. hell ya.

Uh. My best friend just broke up with her bf a few days ago...i just want to say to you, you are the best ever. don't worry about anything.....I love ya girlie... and want you to be happy, and sometimes having a bf is not the right place to be. Do what is best for you...Just party, go out, have fun, meet people, be yourself and don't worry.

What else, what else? Nothing, okay. SO, i will update later.

Music Kannis - Promo CD

Mood Hell yea, sooooo happy. Can't wait to sleep, i am going to party as much as i can this weekend, and do like, no homework then skip on wednesday. yup yup yup

right, so i haven't been up this early in a long time, unless i was still awake, i couldn't sleep for some reason.

so i watched Frailty last night. weird. but i liked it.

any who. i think i am getting sick. i can't afford to. this sux. Why do i always get sick smack in the fucking middle of midterms or finals? grrr.

Yea, so Joey emailed me...weird? I am really stupid. He asked me to call, uh, so i did... Why the fuck would i do that? He is going to call me tomorrow...should i just not pick up...?

ANYWAY>>>

Nothing really new with me. But i just want to say...chrissy if you are reading this...you are the best, i love you, and dont worry about certain shit that is going on. You are so awesome, and whatever you are feeling right now about **certain people** is only in retrospective. You made the right choice, and don't forget that. Just have fun and live your life, alright?

Music Nothing right now, but the click click click of my typing and the slush/ rain outside, kinda nice.

Mood i don't know how i feel right now, mostly confused, and lost, and wish i had someone's number but i don't have it, and on and on and on and on....whatev

"A kiss is a knitting together both of body and soul, it is to be feared, least the sensual [lover] will be more inclined to the part of the body, then of the soul..."

The Courtier, Book 4

Maybe the former?

So... Apparently i'm speed... :o)

Today is All Hallow's Eve! Halloween. Samhain, Halloween. Call it what you will. Just the best day of the year.

Copy and paste this link for some cool information!

http://www.historychannel.com/exhibits/halloween/hallowmas.html

I swear, Christianity has taken over every thing.

Anywho. I am going to be a fallen angel tonight. i am so excited. Ah yes. Fishnets and chains. hehehe.

Mood Excited

Music This is Halloween

So lost and confused right now. I try to simplify things and they just get all muddled. damnit.

ANY WAY. I had an awesome night! Went to Club Amp with Andrea and Alyssa and (can't remember the guy's name..?) I love to dance. Everything bad just goes away when i am dancing.

That's about it. Last night i watched some movies with my friend andrew, and the next day we went to this halloween store. I am going to be a dark angel for halloween. SO i got black wings, some fishnets (to wear with my little black skirt and boots), and some fangs. Ah yes. Just gotta get some chains.

Mood confused but at least somewhat content with life right now

Music The Last Song by The All American Rejects

Nothing really new today. i skipped class because i didn't want to go. Instead i had lunch with a friend and went shopping!

What else? There is a rave this weekend i really want to go to, but it all depends on whether or not my rave buddy feels up to it (he's been a little under-the-weather). It looks cool tho. "The Temple of Music." I have to call the day of to get directions.

Wahoo! Monday night i get to go to see Thursday with andrew. I can't wait. I really like thursday.

any who, that is all for now.

Ya know. Right now, at this moment, I think I am more content than i have been in a long time. I am sitting downstairs, getting ready to do my shit-load of homework, but even so, the rain is coming down hard (which I love), I had a great weekend, and I just feel happy. What and odd feeling. I think it is one I haven't had in a really long time. And now that I think about it, I think its been lasting since Saturday night. Something about dancing hard to good music, with a good friend that I trust maybe? What ever this is, I hope it lasts awhile.

University of Washington in the Rain

Mood Content

Music Paper Heart - All American Rejects

Lets see, i haven't really updated my journal in awhile, so lets get caught up in a nutshell.

*I took my friend's little brother to homecoming on saturday the 11th because his date decided she would have more fun going without him. It was fun i got to get all dressed up. We ended up not really going. We went to see "Kill Bill" instead. Then after i dropped him off at home so he could go to sleep, i went over to todd's house and got to look at old pictures!!!!

* I got back in touch with someone i used to know when i worked at Safeway. Some of you may have heard me tell ya about Dave? Well, apparently he joined the army. He's working in some medical unit in Korea.

*Uhm, yea. my "friend" carter chickened out on friday the 10th. He was supposed to go to a rave with me, but pulls this whole, "Mary, i would like to hang out with you more, but Becky had a conversation with me about maintaining professional relationships, I hope you are not offended..." I was all like "Carter, i understand, you are really by the book, i am too...to a certain extent. I just don't let people tell me who i can be friends with." So...yea. The next week tho, he was all "Mary come smoke a cig with me before you start work." and we walked right past becky. Would that be a violation of a professional relationship? I mean, smoking together, that's a little iffy. The next time he needs a ride home, im gonna get all passive agressive on him with "I don't think so carter, that might not be professional."

*Andrew came into starbucks on like thursday (this is the guy that at one time really pissed me off by not calling me back a long time ago, but now we are becoming pretty good friends. I guess we just had to get past that one thing...) and i guess he didn't know that i was into techno and electronica. So we ended up going to a rave in seattle on saturday (18th). I had such a blast. It was awesome even though i worked a double before, i danced all night, and we ended up staying up until like 600am.

*On friday, I got to work Cash and Names for like a half hour until Josh got to work, that was cool. I kinda freaked out. Its impossible to do that on a friday night. Tom (a server) came up and asked if i was okay. I was like no, i need a hug. So he gave me one.

*Tonight also sucked. I almost got a write up for something that wasn't my fault. A to go order took way too long, and there was nothing i could do about it because the kitchen didn't have it, i was completely weeded, and no one would help me. I would have quite if i had been written up. Luckily Tara was like "im just not going to do it." and threw the write up away.

*I had the opportunity to go to AFI tonight (sunday) with andrew, but ended up not being able to go, because no one would cover my shift. So, i really didn't want to be at work at all. I was really sad. Poor me.

*What else? My mom is going to be in california for like a week. I am so happy! Ah yes.

Okay, so i guess that really wasn't such a nutshell. Not much else has happened. I went to the seattle art museum on wednesday, that was fun. Uhm, yea. That's all. I am just chillin at home right now. Alone.

Music The Great Disapointment - AFI

Mood Lost

my days just keep getting better and better...

so yesterday, around 100 or so, during sociology, my stomach just starts hurting like a mo fo, andi just feel sick. somehow i make it through that class and through communications. then i get to the bus stop and practically pass out. Like, i couldn't stand, my head was really light, and my ears were ringing. When i got onto the bus i had a serious cold sweat. I was like wtf? That hasn't happend to me since i was on an airplane, and obviously, i wasn't this time...I just really really wanted to die. Of course, as soon as i sit down on the bus i black out and don't wakeup until i get to redmond. I get off the bus thinking, i'm gonna call in sick, there is no way i can work today. One problem, my phone is not in my pocket, it fell off on the bus. bloody hell. so i went to the bus stop, asked the first bus that came by to call the 540 that just came through and find out if he had the phone, ended up having to wait an hour for the bus to loop back through. but at least i have my phone, and i didn't miss any calls, because no one calls me any way.

so i get to work a full hour late, still feeling sicker than fuck. and stay for like, not even two hours, i just couldn't do it. Lowell stayed for me and i left at like 815. Came home. passed out. so fun. i hope i make it through today. i plan on driving home and sleeping before work today. screw studying. either i'll do well on my test tomorrow, or i won't. that's just life.

hmm...One month....

over a week....

Mood Sick and tired, frustrated

Music Rammstein

Nothing so beautiful as the sound of new guitar strings...

i've just about had it up to fucking here with claim jumper. my drawer was 111 dollars short tonight. but managers were in and out of my drawer all night. i am so fucking pissed right now. if that fucking write up is still in my file tomorrow, it will definitely hold me back from making lead host. you know what, i will walk right out the goddamn door, and straight to starbucks and be a shift supervisor in no time flat. i don't think i could be any more angry right now. just when things were looking really good for me. down the hole. arrgh. i don't know what to do right now. i want to go out or something, but i have no money. i want to scream but my parents are asleep. i want to get really fucking hammered, but i am not 21. i need someone to talk to but can't get a hold of the person i want to talk to.

Mood I am angry, i am alone, i am lost...i don't know what to do.

Music "The unnamed feeling" Metallica

here's my random thought for the evening/morning.

y'know. i don't play games with people. i am pretty much straightforward. i wish pple would not play games with me, and just tell me things straight up. it would make a lot easier. i swear.

that's all.

so...i just got home a little while ago.

yea, after work last night, i didn't want to go home, so i stopped by the qfc and carter happened to be getting of work. He was all like, "wanna go to a party mary?" Of course i wanted to go. We got to mercer island and got bored hella fast. One of his friends wanted to go back to carter's house (his dad's place on mercer island) and drink there...this guy was already totally hammered. so funny, i love drunk people. So we drove over there and five minutes later chris was like "i'm walking home, see ya" So carter goes "wanna spend the night, then we can drink and watch football in the am" So, we got a little drunk. okay, we got a lot drunk. It was fun tho. Carter is fun to talk to...and when he's drunk, he smokes cigs like its his job. I tell ya, don't i have the greatest friends...? Then, we passed out around five (he has like three spare bedrooms, its awesome) woke up at 11 and watched football. so good.

oh yea, sorry andrea, that i missed your phone calls. uhm, i was kinda, well, passed out...sorry babe.

well, i should probably get ready for work...blah

Mood hungover

Music New Found Glory Punk Covers - "That Thing You Do"

there is just something about this time of year that makes me feel good. i don't know if it is because we are having such a beautiful autumn, or what, but things just feel like they will be okay.

i actually closed with nicole, the manager that hates me and had a good night. it was so odd. she even told me i did a good job...? Maybe it is just because she hates katie more than she hates me? whatever...

so, i was reading some of my past journal entries because i was bored. among other things, it made me laugh because i used to hate carter so much, and now i kinda hang out with him, and we talk a lot. i count him as a friend now...weird...(im dragging him to a rave next weekend, or weekend after next...he says he wants to pick up an e-chick. guys...)

Reading past entries also makes me think about a lot of things. mainly that i think i am kinda stupid. oh well, that's the way life is.

school has started, and i have so much reading for the first week. but i got it done today actually. not too shabby. i think i can finish like all of my readings on wednesdays, leaving me the weekends to go out and do things. Hey, i totally ran into this girl i knew from highschool. actually, i have a class with her (uh, yay...) we are so different now. she is a little sorority chic, and i'm, well i don't know what i am yet. i've been described as goth recently...but i am not quite that...any who, megan didn't recognize me at all. she looked at me like, i think i know her...then i was like, wow. hi megan. i guess i do look kinda dif now. the whole all black, and short hair and smoking thing i mean...i musta changed more than i thought i had in the last three years. This girl used to be my best friend, and all i could think was "get this girl away from me" she was seriously starting to irritate me.

well...i should be in bed now. even tho it is freeeeeezing cold in my room. lifes a bitch, eh? heh.

Mood peaceful.

Music Deformography - Marilyn Manson

"I lift you up like the sweetest angel,

I'll tear you down like a whore.

I will bury your god in my warm spit,

you'll be deformed in your porn"

rock star, yeah (you're such a dirty, dirty)rock star, yeah (dirty, dirty, dirty)

you eat up my heart and all the little parts

your star is so sharp

it leaves me jagged holes

I make myself sick just to poison you

if I can't have you then no one will

(chorus)

you are the one I want and what I want is so unreal

i'm such a dirty Rock star yeah...

(I am the one you want and the one you want is so unreal)

well, i start school tomorrow. that's a good thing. i am ready to go back. i miss being on campus. my goals for this year, is too be even less shy than i was last year (which was a lot less comparably speaking...but its a progressive thing, y'know).

halloween promo tomorrow. oh yea. i wanna get sets of cups n' stuff for when i move out. halloween all year round baby.

well that's all. i have shit to do before i go to bed. which needs to be soon i guess.

Mood eh

Music More Human Than Human - Rob Zombie

good morning!!!

i just got back from a rave in seattle. it was soooo fun. i went with andrea from work (she's my new rave buddy)...

well, its almost 430am, and i am wide, wide awake. but at least i went and did something. met some interesting people....

okie, i am hungry, and sweaty, so i need to fix those things.

"...because its only four in the morning. and im all outta dreams..."

Nothing new. just wide awake, as always. Maybe i'll just pop a movie in...haven't seen minority report in awhile...

So, those two guys talked to me again today...they were all like "do you remember us? we were afraid to come talk to you again...that we scared you last night.." i was just like 'o'. They asked me what i wanted to do tomorrow night. "what do you like? Drinking, dancing, smoking?" I said all, but, i can't go out alone, ya know, i have to bring a friend. My boyfriend wouldn't like it if i went out with two guys alone..." I really didn't know what else to say, y'know. It is kinda fucked up. How the hell do i get myself into things like this. its cuz i'm too nice to say fuck off. and partially because it is flattering...in a weird, scary, random person sort of way.

ANYWAY. To change to subject...

I am working on a new song for my guitar. I feel really good about this one. i like it alot. I put aside another one that i am writing tabs for to work on this one. It kinda says a lot of things that i am feeling right now, and gets it out. When its done, i think it'll be a strong song. Then i'll have a total of five complete songs, and one in the process. I don't know what i am going to do with all the lyrics that i have that i still have not been inspired with tabs for...maybe chrissy will take a look at them. they are good material, but maybe i just don't know enough chords yet. I am going to work on that one song - that still has no name, but i am leaning towards "I gotta Know"...i don't know yet, we'll see when it is done.

Oh, Ya know that whole thing with satan trying to steal my soul. Well, becky talked to carter, i know i told y'all that, but now she has got Kathy trying to recruit me...it is pretty tempting.

HEY! The halloween promo comes out on tuesday. so excited. i get to put it up too. can't wait. can't wait. can't wait.

anyway, that is all folks, i am gonna go play guitar really quiet b/c i am wide awake and it makes me happy.

Mood Wide Awake...Alone...Inspired...Wired

Music Bow Down Before The One - NIN (in the background b/c i am playing my own)

so, i went to cartoys today. they fixed my radio, but came up with a million reasons why nothing that happened was their fault. Knowing my life, I believe them, it probably was all a coincedence (sp?). Everything always goes really well for me, and then all of a sudden BAM. Life sux. At least they didn't charge me, and the installation guy was super nice. So...i'll go back there i guess when i want to upgrade my speakers....

What else? I went out to dinner with my friends...it was funny cuz, amber wasn't there, so the waitress assumed that i was with collin...because chrissy was there with jacob..."do you want that on two checks?" Then we went to redmond town center to walk around (i ended up getting an awesome spiderweb necklace- perfect for my nightmare before christmas t, chrissy got the coolest tongue stud...textured) and someone stopped to take a picture of collins hair for a scavenger hunt. then we drove all the fucking way to totem lake just for coffee because we can smoke there...

so i am all awake, and want to go do something. I go to starbucks, because carter wanted to smoke a cig with me when he got off work...and while i was waiting these two mexican guys totally fucking hit on me (i jinxed myself because i was all like "nobody hits on me..i must be scary or ugly" Maybe it was what i was wearing. Carter was like, that's what you get for being a goth chick.) Anyway, they were all like, who are you waiting for? "my friend" then they asked what i was doing tonight, and did i wanna come kick it with them. I said i had plans, which unfortunately i didn't. SO they were like, wanna kick it with us this weekend.."maybe.." so now they are all gonna be looking for me at work tomorrow to go party with them on friday...it sux b/c it would almost be tempting because i am bored out of my mind. (Somebody wanna come with me?) In fact, i was so bored, that two workers from QFC (Josh and Dave) said that if i wanted to hang out they would be off at 11. I almost took them up on the offer.... now i think i should of because i am so awake, and sooooo lonely. Brad Hall called me today also, like twice to see 'how i was doing and if i wanted to get together sometime before school starts to hang out"

what else? Oh, the thing about satan speaking through becky. I had vented to her earlier in the day that CJ was bothering me because i am responsible for money that i don't get to count in, and they have had issues before about people stealing...so during work she was all like..."mary, whenever you want extra hours, just call me and i will schedule you. it doesn't have to be a set shift, just anytime" so i was like okay, i can come in and clean or something. THen later we were talking about me wanting to go out at night, and she's all totally helping find clubs to go to. Joking with me about drunk bowling and shit. after work, she stood there talking to me because somehow i managed to park right next to her. She asked to borrow my lighter, and we were all smoking together (she smokes Kamel Red Lights - if that matters) and started going on about making me a shift supervisor, and making sure i got promoted within the store...how i was phenomenal with training, awesome with communication and etc, i always give 110%....wow and today i went to get my tips from carter, and he's all "what's this i hear about you hating claim jumper, are you gonna be a shift here? Becky told me she hopes you'll quit claim jumper so we can have you as a shift today. I wished you worked more here, i miss you."

crazy shit. Life's weird, i kinda wanna good stiff drink, but guess what? No hard A around this house.

Mood wide awake, lonely, bored, confused

Music La La Land - Green Velvet, DaBanSheE remix

wow, i closed at starbucks last night, with my manager Becky. The devil spoke to me thru her....trying to steal my soul...(more later)

I am going to car toys in 40 minutes...they better fucking fix the stereo problems.

Mood whatever

Music Hold On - Good Charlotte

went and got my car today. apparently now i owe my mom $90.00. I told her i can't pay her until i get my financial aid, which won't happen until our taxes are filed....she was pissed, but dude, what am i gonna do? I have to buy books - ya know, for school and stuff...

at least i have a car, but as of lately i have to wonder - how long will something good last.

do you know what happened at work? My till was off. I was pissed, pple get in and out of my till, and i don't even count it in, yet it is all on me, all my fault. I got a write up. Kirby said it would probably go away...when the bookkeeper lookes things over, but this sux b/c i wanna make lead host, and that looks bad.

Hey Robert, didn't i say something bad was gonna happen last night? Damn, sometimes i hate being right.

life's a bitch, then you die.... Mood you tell me. Music Enter Sandman - Metallica

Music "One" by Metallica

that's it! i tell ya! Just when i think nothing can go wrong...my car gets fucking broken into. Atleast there was nothing to take. The face was off of my stereo, so i guess they didn't know it was there. I had some lighters and lotion in my car. And some gum, i don't think they took that. But my fucking window is broken. I have a whole stream of words i wanna say right now. I am gonna go crazy. and the worst part is i CAN'T GO ANYWHERE to relieve the stress because I HAVE NO CAR!

on the upside, my car got towed to a garage today, so he might fix it by today, but my mom has all the money, so i wouldn't get my car until tomorrow. but at least maybe i will have it. then i go to car toys and get them to fucking fix the radio.

everybody is a fucker. Mood life sux Music Fade to Black - Metallica

i had the worst fucking day at work ever. i mean, ever. first, i had to work with the manager that hates me, so she was always looking over my shoulder giving me shit about my quotes being off *i actually only changed them when she said something to me about it, and because of that they were off* THEN my dad was fucking drunk and called my work like four times, which pissed my manager off because i can't take personal calls, then he decided to make a joke about the corporate chef calling for me. my dad is such a fucking asshole when he is drunk. my manager was so mad at me. i almost started crying. My mom came to pick me up from work, and she was like, can you drive home? i had a little too much to drink tonight...

I Need A Hug.

on a more amusing note, apparently my flirting style is like a perfect martini..."Your flirting form is like that perfect martini � a great balance of style and smoothness. Your twist? Your natural curiosity about people leaves them feeling like they made a real connection. How's that for a perfect 10?"

go here to find your flirting style - http://msn.match.com/msn/article.aspx?articleid=1274&trackingid=516311&bannerid=542128

so, yea, my life is just getting better and better and better, i am just waiting for one more fucking thing to push me over the edge, i don't know what it will be or what i will do...but i know it is coming.

so we are going to try to figure out what i am going to do about my car tomorrow. I need to get a new alternator. ugh. i have no money. i have to get the stereo rewired. they better not fucking charge me. i 'll be so pissed.

my mom was home all afternoon and subjected me to christian music. and annoying lectures about being uplifted. i fucking need a smoke...

So...I'm going to cartoys today to make them fix what they screwed up in my car. They are going to charge me though if they can prove that it wasn't their fault (which it totally was). If they do that, they will find they picked the wrong girl to fuck with.

What else? I got a random e-mail today from this guy in Canada i haven't talked to in forever! He was actually one of the first people i met and the only one i stayed in contact with when i first started chatting on the internet. When that phase ended, i managed to stay in touch with him forever. I don't know, then we didn't talk for like six months, so it was kinda cool to get an e-mail from him. He is still in the Canadian Army...and school. so yea.

that's all folks.

"Oh God, did you eat all that acid?"

Music Fun With Drugs by Velvet Acid Christ

my car won't start

Music Answering Machine (I don't need this shit)- Green Velvet

you'll never fucking believe what happened to me today. I was all ready to go out tonight with a friend and have a good time. Instead we went to a movie and then they decided to go home. so after hanging in redmond for about 30 minutes after that (it was only 9, i was not ready to go home yet) i go out to my car to finally come home....uh yeah, but my car's battery was dead. it better not be dead when i start my car tomorrow becausei have to go to work, plus i have plans for this week (getting drunk with brooke on tuesday). so i had to get my car jumped by josh (a really nice guy who works at qfc). Damn, my day started out so good. I called like everyone. parents didn't pick up, friends sleeping. sheesh. Then i come home to starch my shirts for claim jumpers, yeah, one of them has like red shit all over it. i don't know how it got there, but now i am down to two shirts, which sux because now i have do laundry that much more.

oh well, at least i saw a movie and looked cute (i bought an awesome shirt that has jack from nightmare before christmas at hot topic, and a skirt...)

Mood Bored, frustrated

Music La La Land - Green Velvet

So i hung out with chrissy, jacob and amber last night, and chrissy all day today. we went shopping to take my mind off of...well, needless to say, other things. We drove both of our cars to cartoys, determined to get new car stereos and have them installed today. it was cool. the sales guy was really nice. he threw in the installation kits and the supports for the stereo for four bucks. saved me like $50.00. I still dropped a lot of money, but that's okay. the sound is better, and it'll control sound upgrades if i want to beef it up later. plus i don't have to use the damn tape adaptor anymore. Now i can drive, talk on the phone, and smoke all at the same time, still can't drive with my knees (but you'd still be proud, robert).

So yea, that was like all i did today. had lunch out. stopped by claim jumper to give my soon-to-be gone service manager some shotglasses i got him. other than that i am just trying to keep busy...i start work tomorrow again. hmph.

well. gonna go now.

Mood: confused, tired, mind racing etc

Music: The Vines

just got back from texas. I had so much fun....but now i have a lot on my mind, a lot to think about, and i don't really feel like updating my journal any more than that, so yea.

Wahoo! So, i bought my ticket to texas yesterday! I'm officially going. Its kinda fucked up though because travelocity for some reason couldn't issue my ticket electronically, so they have to fedex it to starbux. whatever. I don't care, i get to see robert from aug 28th to sept 7 ('s okay if you have to do that defensive driving course while i'm there, hun).

What else? Uhm, yea, so andrew, %$&#* stopped by starbucks the other day to ask me to a concert. Fucker. I was like "uh, yea, i'll be in texas!"

On my break at work these frickin little kids asked me to smoke pot with them. i was like what the fuck? do i look like a stoner? Jason at work thinks i am secretly goth... *sigh* i can't go in redmond anywhere by myself apparently. whatever. doesn't matter.

That's all i guess. i need to buy a guitar case before i go to texas. very important. a guitar case and some more picks. then i'll be set. well, i gotta get ready to go to work. i am going in early to claim jumper. A girl there is having an affair and wants to cut out early. I guess that makes me a facilitator. Damn, i'm going to hell.

Mood Excited!!!

MusicEminem!

This entry is for someone i finally had the guts to tell. Its the song i wrote for him on my acoustic guitar ahile ago b/c i didn't know how else to express myself.

Delusional and Shy

Verse 1

The world is spinning around

Then I close my eyes

and think of you

My feet leave the ground

I open my mouth, but I make no sound

I know what I want to say

But I just can�t say it

Chorus

What if it�s all an illusion?

Nothing but a delusion

Playing out in my head

And I�m just a stupid girl with a crush

Imagining a love I can�t touch

Verse 2

I�m afraid to tell you how I feel

That when I talk to you

everything feels right

so perfect and surreal

Into your arms I would steal

and want nothing more

Than to hear your voice

and feel the caress of your kiss

Chorus

What if it�s all an illusion?

Nothing but a delusion

Playing out in my head

And I�m just a stupid girl with a crush

Imagining a love I can�t touch

Verse 3

I can seem to tell you anything

you know me better than myself

But there is one little thing

that is completely torturing

my heart and that one thing

I�m so afraid to say

and what if you don�t feel the same?

Chorus

What if it�s all an illusion?

Nothing but a delusion

Playing out in my head

And I�m just a stupid girl with a crush

Imagining a love I can�y touch

Bridge/ Verse 4

But I�m thinking about you

I am dreaming about you

Wishing to feel you close

I feel we share so many things

Thoughts, feelings and our dreams

Enjoying the sound of each others voices

Listening to what we have to say

But what I want to say

and what I say, dammit are so different

I say how was your day

and mean I love you

I say what�s for tomorrow?

And mean I want you

What are you thinking now?

About us

Can we give it a try? But...

Chorus

What if it�s all an illusion?

Nothing but a delusion

Playing out in my head

And I�m just a stupid girl with a crush

Imagining a love I can�t touch

Should I be shy and delusional?

Or should I be open and lose you?

Tell me what to say.

Hey hon, maybe i'll play it for you someday soon!

Friday, Aug. 08, 2003 - 2:53 p.m.

uhm- is wondering by good charlotte a cover?

Friday, Aug. 08, 2003 - 2:49 p.m.

got my hair cut today. its fucking cute! i love it. i think i am going to go back before i go to texas to get blonde in it. yay

what else? i work three shifts tomorrow. eeewwww.

Sunday, Aug. 03, 2003 - 11:46 a.m.

okay, so here is the latest update to my life, not very interesting but here we go.

Uhm, as of last night i am a fully trained hostess at claim jumper. i finished my cash training. So now i just have to wait for my stars and my raise. training on cash was fun, but a little frustrating, because customers kept tipping me for my smile and etc. but i couldnt' keep any of the money because i was training, and my trainer got it. but at least i got an idea of how good i'll do on tips. i think i will do pretty well. Oh, funny thing happened at work last night too. there is a mexican busser who totally flirts with me all the time. his name is renee. he always sings "maria elena" whenever he sees me. last night, i had left my food in the back so i could pack it up and take it home at the end of my shift. when i got back there, he had left me a foil flower on the plate. i was like "uhm?" then later he was talking to me about how i had two jobs, that i could pay for my smokes and my beer that way. I was like, i'm not 21. then he offered to hook me up with his friends who make fakes. he showed me his. it was kinda funny. sorry honey, i only want one guy.

what else is new? uhm, i had a nervous breakdown at starbucks on friday. it was awesome. i flipped out. i got to go home early and didn't have to come into work on saturday. partly because i only got two hours of sleep the night before, and partly becausei haven't had a day off in forever, and i am just burnt out. but i think i have a whole day off on thursday.

a girl at claim jumper wants me to cover her shift on saturday, the 9th. i might do it because that is one shift closer to texas for me and away from starbucks. however, if i take the shift, it would mean that i open at starucks, go straight to claim jumper for a 1130 names shift, and then work a 5pm seater shift right after that. i have to think about it. I told emily that if matt doesn't take her shift that i would. just keep thinking, plane ticket, plane ticket.

what else it new? Did i say two more girls got fired from starbucks? it is kinda making me mad. no, it is really making me mad. the new shift supervisor carter got them fired. it makes me mad because i am trying really hard to like him, and help him, and then he goes and gets them fired. prick. i went to qfc the day after they were fired and one of the checkers asked me if i still work at starbucks. "you still work there, so your not fired yet? good" i think my jb is prett safe, becky pretty much gives me what i want. i wonder how long that will last.

what else? nothing that i can think of. ttyl

Saturday, Aug. 02, 2003 - 3:23 p.m.

If you want me to wait

I would wait for you

If you tell me to stay

I would stay right through

If you don't wanna say

Anything at all

I'm happy wondering

Go!

Yeah, yeah

Since I was a young [girl]

I never was a front[girl]

I never had a plan and no security then

Ever since I met you

I never could forget you

I only get you right here next to me

Cause everybody (a-whoa-oh-oh)

Needs someone that they can trust in

And you're somebody (a-whoa-oh-oh)

That I found just in time

If you want me to wait

I would wait for you

If you tell me to stay

I would stay right through

If you don't wanna say

Anything at all

I'm happy wondering

Now my life is changing

It's always rearranging

Always gettin' stranger than I thought it ever could

Ever since I found you

I wanna be around you

I wanna get down to the point that I need you

Cause everybody (a-whoa-oh-oh)

Needs someone that they can trust in

And you're somebody (a-whoa-oh-oh)

That I found just in time

If you want me to wait

I would wait for you

If you tell me to stay

I would stay right through

If you don't wanna say

Anything at all

I'm happy wondering

Go!

Yeah, yeah

Yeah, yeah

Don't tell me

The bad news

Don't tell me anything at all

Just tell me

That you need me

And stay right here with me

If you want me to wait

I would wait for you

If you tell me to stay

I would stay right through

If you don't wanna say

Anything at all

I'm happy wondering

If you want me to wait

I would wait for you

If you tell me to stay

I would stay right through

If you don't wanna say

Anything at all

I'm happy wondering

Tuesday, Jul. 22, 2003 - 11:23 p.m.

alrighty, so i haven't updated my journal in awhile. so here we go.

since i last posted:

yea, i am starting to get used to working two jobs. naps are grreeaaat! Claim Jumper is way fun, and i am starting to get really comfortable there.

What else? My mom caught me smoking and all hell broke loose. She might have had a legit. argument, but she began to sprout nonsense, such as 1) telling me i couldn't hang out with my friends anymore and 2)blaming it on one of my best friends and 3) telling me i didn't even want to know what would happen if she ever caught me again - she'll call my work etc. etc. You see, i am 19, you can't fucking tell me who to hang out with. PLUS she is a hypocrite. she smoked in college. But basically, she won't talk to me. so i have officially been alientated for the last few days. but that is okay, i am always gone and i don't want to talk to her until she will talk to me like an adult.

what else? uhm, my ex boyfriend walked into claim jumper today. i wanted to hide really bad (see entry about him coming into sbux). one of the guys i was working with was like "that guy i just sat is your ex? well, he looks like a loser anyway" it was pretty funny. i wonder what trevor thought when he walked in to cj and saw me at the host desk.

uhm, what else? oh yea. so i found out the other day that the guy from the deli at qfc that has had a crush on me for awhile, and even asked me out once or twice - yea, he's a registered sex offender. nice, huh?

all and all: life is not so bad, it is all in how you look at it. seeing trevor reminds me how much i don't like him, and who i really do like. finding out aaron is a sex offender makes me glad that i know, and i am sooo glad i never was nice enough to go out with him five months ago. my mom catching me...well now i don't have to worry about it anymore.

Mood = Not too bad, feeling pretty good

Music = Green Day "Chump" from the Dookie album.

Goal = Saving up for Texas. (i am going, whether my mom likes it or not. my dad is fine with it)

Saturday, Jul. 12, 2003 - 9:25 p.m.

My gift is my song

And this one's for you

And you can tell everybody

That this is your song

It maybe quite simple

But now that it's done

Hope you don't mind

I hope you don't mind

That I put down in words

How wonderful life is now you're in the world

Sat on the roof

And I kicked off the moss

Well some of the verses well

They got me quite cross

But the sun's been kind

While I wrote this song

It's for people like you that

Keep it turned on

So excuse me for forgetting

But these things I do

You see I've forgotten

If they're green or they're blue

Anyway the thing is what I really mean

Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen

(Allesandro- opera)

And you can tell everybody

This is your song

It may be quite simple

But now that it's done

I hope you don't mind

I hope you don't mind that I put down in words

How wonderful life is now you're in the world

I hope you don't mind

I hope you don't mind that I put down in words

How wonderful life is now you're in the world

Saturday, Jul. 12, 2003 - 6:44 p.m.

so bummed. i wanted to go out tonight b/c i worked all day (both jobs) but i can't get a hold of anyone at all. this sux sooooo much.

Friday, Jul. 11, 2003 - 7:12 p.m.

hmm, i am tired and want the day to end. my mom just fuckin hit me. my parent's are fighting. like a full blown fight. it sux. what's the point of it all?

Thursday, Jul. 10, 2003 - 3:25 a.m.

Hey folks, it is way too early for me. way way too early (especially on two hours of sleep). I worked both jobs yestderday, and will again today. So tired. IT was fun tho. I just can't wait to sleep. I've been doing this weird sleep for two hours at a time thing. Like 1030pm-130am, and then 12-3p or something. Hey, that's like 6 hours total, right? We'll see how long i last.

I already can't think straight, so no deep thoughts or anything this morning. :o)

Sunday, Jul. 06, 2003 - 11:45 p.m.

saw terminator three tonight. it was really good. Everyone should see it!

picture from: http://www.terminator3.com/

Sunday, Jul. 06, 2003 - 10:24 a.m.

Apparently, If i were a drug, i would be an "upper" (or so my friend informs me...) interesting. I wonder which upper i would be.

Saturday, Jul. 05, 2003 - 10:21 p.m.

soo...yea

I slept in so late today, like nearly noon. All because i thought that i had to work at Claim Jumpers today. I got a call from my manager with my training sched, and uh, i don't start until wednesday, which is cool, because i got to get a lot of stuff done in my room (put stuff away that hadn't yet been unpacked), but at the same time, i am now awake, and my friends are all busy. grr.

That's okay, i want to read and play my guitar any way....

Mood = forlorn

Music = my own guitar playing..

Friday, Jul. 04, 2003 - 5:21 a.m.

Happy Fuckin Fourth of July People!!!

Today is the time to reflect on how lucky we are to be living in "One Nation, Under God, Indivisible, with liberty, and justice for...all?"

The bonus is, we get to simultaneously get drunk and blow shit up...kewl.

Mood = uhm...

Music = Eminem "white america"

(Prelude) America! We love you! How many people are proud to be citizens of this beautiful country of ours? The stripes and the stars for the rights that men have died for to protect / The women and men who have broke their necks for the freedom of speech the United States government has sworn to uphold. (Yo I want everybody to listen to the words of this song) or so we're told...

Thursday, Jul. 03, 2003 - 5:54 p.m.

I declare I don't care no more

I'm burning up and out and growing bored

In my smoked out boring room

My hair is shagging in my eyes

Dragging my feet to hit the street tonight

To drive along these shit town lights

I'm not growing up, I'm just burning out

And I stepped in line to walk amongst the dead

Apathy has rained on me

Now I'm feeling like a soggy dream

So close to drowning but

I don't mind

I've lived in this mental cave

Throw emotions in the grave

Hell, who needs them anyway

Thursday, Jul. 03, 2003 - 9:22 a.m.

Its like, this horrific never ending nightmare....

First Trevor (ex) walks into starbucks on monday, now i get this e-mail from him with his new email address (like i care). I seriously hope sending that to me was, uhm, a mistake?

Well, hi-ho, hi-ho

its off to cj's i go,

to take a test,

and all the rest,

and hope to pass

to leave starbux at last.

hi ho, hi ho hi ho hi ho!

Wednesday, Jul. 02, 2003 - 8:49 p.m.

PEOPLE! IT FEELS SO GOOD TO BE BACK!!!

Yay, so i have internet access again. Sooo soo so happy. It has been like, forever. i don't know where to start. Lets see, hmmm. I have been spending the last like week at our new house. the first few nights i got to be all by my self, which was cool. I just watched movies, and got to do what i wanted (which mainly involved playing guitar, and my music really loud). I watched Blair Witch 2, so funny. i was laughing like, the whole time.

I had my 6 hour class at claim jumpers on saturday. it was fun, my boss is so nice. i got a meal while i was there, and we took a five minute "smoke break" which turned into like 10 or 15. I had a training shift on monday (after i opened at starbucks - which i will get to in a minute), which was such a long day. I worked 415am at starbucks, and left claim jumpers around 930pm. So tired, i probably would have crashed on the way home if i wasn't talking to my friend on the phone. I had a lot of fun though. I met a lot of people, who were all really nice to me. I saw my old neighbor, who incidently works there, so we got to talk for awhile.

earlier that day

I worked at sbux, right? It was an up-down type of day. It was fun at first because i got one of my coworkers to show me how to tie a necktie for claim jumpers, he is so funny. i never get to work with walt. Cracks me up.

Then like the worst thing ever happened. my ex boyfriend walks into sbux. i almost threw up my stomach did such a flip. I broke up with him i think in like november...? Saying something along the lines of "oh, we are just taking abreak, really" Unfortunately, i strongly dislike trev. He has issues, that i don't want to be a part of. Additionally, my heart is lost on someone else (whether or not he wants it, or likes me back...). I had to conveniently find a back room project. It sucked. THEN that other little pric came in (yea, the dude from a few entries ago that i bitched about)...sigh.

and the one guy i want, i can't have, why is that?

hmm, what else. Nothing really. I set up the promotional material at sbux yesterday, it turned out really cool. Although, i wish that starbucks weren't so materialistic. I wish they were a real coffee house - like victor's. some of the merchandise i put out, kinda well, made me sick. I was like - i work here? what the fuck.

i opened today. hmm, that is all.

Okay, so i walked around the property we are renting the house on some today. i made several super cool discoveries. One, is about the garage. It is kinda situated in front of a hill. Well, i discovered a loft area that you need a bridge to get to, that is really sweet. The second discovery, is that i trekked around in the woods today. I went down to the pond, it just kind of springs up out of the forest. You can walk through a little meadow, which is enclosed by towering evergreens, and sit right on the edge of the pond, and watch the little bugs float around on the water, unknowingly facing their doom, as seconds later, a bird will swoop from the sky - the wind of death- and have a little lunch. There is a fire circle a few yards off from the pond. These nicely rounded boulders, just right for sitting, are situated around it. Even though there are trees all around, you look straight up and see nothing but pristine sky. When it is dark, the stars will be beautiful. Made for summer bonfires!!

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